Body stories are largely missing from the zeitgeist of our time. We are often reluctant to dive into our body stories because we believe they are too taboo to share or too boring to be of interest or value.
In Reclaiming Body Trust, we shared body stories of those who have defied the standard narrative of body apology, instead demanding care and deep respect. These stories, once unearthed, encouraged others to share theirs, too.
Here is Toby’s Story.
”When I was young, I remember running through the fields in the country, feeling the summer wind on my face. I remember the feeling of freedom, eating wild berries or picking carrots or sugar snaps from the garden if I got hungry, only coming home for lunch and dinner, roasting marshmallows over the fire at night. Being outside in nature all day. My parents, being teachers, were less stressed, The food rules of the school year seemed far away. The ever present diet talk in the background (my parents were always looking for ways to lose weight) seemed to be muted or put aside for the summer.
I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have a larger body than my friends. I couldn’t borrow their clothing if mine got wet or dirty. I hated shopping because nothing in the store would fit me properly. As an older child, I didn’t fit into adult sized clothing as the proportions were wrong and the childrens clothing didn’t fit anymore. I refused to think about looks. I wore the same sweat suit almost daily in elementary school as I didn’t want to think about clothing beyond what was very comfortable. My parents were a mix of hippy, feminist and expecting order in the house. My mom made home cooked meals every night until she rebelled and my dad did all the cooking for about a year and then we all made dinner once a week – except Sunday was leftover night and Wednesday was pizza night. Food was always available but it wasn’t necessarily allowed – e.g. no food for a few hours before dinner…“junk” food” – chips, sugary breakfast cereals, ice cream, chocolate, cakes etc were for special times and in small quantities. My mother didn’t respect my choices and my hunger. I had to eat everything on my plate (to this day, I despise brussel sprouts). Both my parents were concerned about “health”. They didn’t want me, my sister or brother to be fat and unhealthy like they were. The only time chocolate and chips were allowed was Halloween – and even then my mom took away hard candy so “our teeth wouldn’t rot”. One year in elementary school, just after Halloween, I found a $20 bill on the sidewalk and bought discounted Halloween candy. For many years after, until I started earning my own money, I would steal money from my mom’s purse to buy chocolate bars.
In elementary school, I clung to childhood. My friends wanted to grow up, listen to music and talk about movie stars but I wanted to continue to play roleplay games. I think even when I was young, I knew once I entered the dominant culture and left the world of make believe, I would suffer. So instead of having close friends and playing in the school yard, I
read. Losing myself in legends of different peoples and fantasy novels.
Thankfully, exercise was not forced but was fun – long bike rides with my dad, walking in 3 seasons but no winter sports so winter was fairly sedentary. In high school, I had a friend who did aerobics and since I liked to dance, I thought I would try it out. At the same time (grade 10-11), I naturally became slimmer and my mom worried that I was bulimic. I didn’t have an eating disorder beyond diet culture, which I discovered much later, is an eating disorder by itself. After aerobics, I started doing weights – which was nowhere near as much fun but I thought it “healthier” so continued.
Once I slimmed down (naturally, no diets involved) and I was scared and excited to learn that with this new body, the male gaze turned towards me. I felt power in my sexuality. When I went dancing with my girlfriends, they usually went after my thinner friends and that hurt. I gradually got bigger again but this time I thought – I’m fat but I’m sexy – I have curves, beautiful breasts, and I know how to move (dance). I could accept this body, but I still saw the difference in how I was treated compared to my friends and I worried I would never find love.
My first diet was deciding if something was “worth the calories” – ie: tasted good enough to be worth the extra exercise or food restriction I would have to do later. I gave up that idea and ate anything I wanted after going on a school trip and learning about a trauma in my people’s past. I felt I needed to enjoy life to the fullest since they could not and I stopped restricting. I gained weight and when I was in medical school, I started the first of many diets – weight watchers, fat and fibre plan. I learned to eat frozen yoghurt instead of ice cream and the less fat I ate, the more sugar I ate and the more weight I gained. I tried to restrict further and gained more weight. In fact, until I discovered Be Nourished which became Center for Body Trust, I was always on a specific diet or trying to “eat healthy”, always trying to control – not listen to – my body.
I lived in France for 6 months, spent a lot of time walking and eating good food. I envy the French – and Europeans in general – the markets where fresh, delicious foods are ubiquitous. Where it’s a cultural norm to stop and buy fresh food daily instead of weekly.
My journey towards Body Trust started in 2012 when I got divorced and started to have some time without my children to explore who I was. I had postpartum depression with my first child, undiagnosed, and hadn’t recovered from it when I had my second child. I had forgotten myself in being a physician, being a mom to young children, and being a daughter - my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just a few weeks after my ex asked for a divorce…I started off my work on self acceptance by looking at myself in a mirror and trying to find things I loved about myself. I found Ragain Chastain and “Dances with Fat” and soon thereafter, a friend recommended Health at Every Size® and I checked out the website and read the book. I thought about it for a while and started to move away from Diet Culture – by walking away when people (mostly women) bonded by talking about how much they hate their bodies. I also started trying to set boundaries for myself – no one was allowed to comment on my weight or what I ate. But part of me couldn’t put away the notion that maybe the newest diet would help me lose just a bit of weight. I never wanted to be thin, I just wanted to walk into The Gap and find clothing that fit me. I wanted to feel that there was a place for me in the world. As with most people, with every diet, I regained the weight and gained more weight. In 2013, I discovered Brene Brown and accepting my body became part of my search for authenticity. In 2015, I read “Come As You Are ” by Emily Nagoski which talks about listening to your body (among other things). Then in 2019, a massage therapist friend who is body positive, introduced me to “The f*ck It Diet” by Caroline Dooner. From there my sister told me about the Explore More Summit hosted by the wonderful Dawn Serra (with whom I did a pleasure course after the summit). I love to talk about sex and pleasure but the talk that spoke to me the most was by Center for Body Trust. I signed up for the weekly newsletter (Body Trust Tuesday is an email I look forward to weekly) and did both the “No More Weighting” and the “School for Unlearning” course. I also devoured the “Reclaiming Body Trust” book – though it took me a while. I had to come back to it a few times. Each step let me further from diet culture.
Along the way, I was finally starting to accept the body I was in but I was still tempted by diets – intermittent fasting and then keto/DietDoctor. In fact, my last diet was keto and when I went back to eating bread, I yet again put on the weight I lost and more and the next time I felt like dieting, I couldn’t bring myself to even read the book I had bought, I was done. During Covid, I moved from being in a larger body to being in a body that didn’t fit in this world. I need a seat belt extender on planes, many chairs don’t fit, stores that carry extended sizes do not extend as far as my size. I also now have a body that is aging and that doesn’t have the same abilities as before (likely also due to long Covid). I had to start self acceptance all over again but this time, instead of only blaming myself, I started to get angry at what Emily Nagoski calls “The Bikini Industrial complex” – meaning the diet industry, the beauty industry, capitalism, white supremacy etc that pulls your focus from listening to what works for you and your body and stealing your energy, brain space and money.
Now I’m working on accepting who I am and what I am capable of. When I look at pictures of my younger self, I am amazed by how beautiful I was but I didn’t feel that way at the time. Now when I have trouble with my body, I think that my 70/80/90 year old self will likely look at my 50 year old self and think – how beautiful and youthful she looked. I am working on choosing what to do with my energy instead of feeling I “should” do certain things. I’m trying to figure out, after years of rules and restrictions, what actually nourishes me – though those rules are so insidious and crop up. I think I am in the “f*ck it” part of coming to terms with Body Trust. No cereal for breakfast has become only cereal for breakfast.. I’m trying to learn to eat enough and not worry about my “portion size”. I’m trying to learn how to make and enforce boundaries. I continue to find ways of learning to accept my body – following people in larger bodies and people who are body positive, reading new books – like “Needy” by Mara Glatzel. I think this work will likely take the rest of my life so I want it to be a joyful process, not another addition to my “to do” list.”
~Toby F.
What is the story of your body?
Collectively, we need to hear more body stories of others in order to feel less alone in our own. If you’re open to sharing your body story, we invite you explore our body story prompts and submit your own story here.
Your story has the power to change how we regard all bodies. Thank you for telling it.
